It seems in all of my great joys there is a tad touch of loneliness. It is not something I feel I have to change, but rather grow to appreciate, find the marrow in it.
Today I am grateful for:
- Feeling unbelievably close and loved by family through laughing and being and sharing food
- Feeling unbelievably alone and angry and then bouncing back when I choose
- Realizing I cannot do all things at the same time, and I have the honor of getting to choose
- Saying no to a new endeavor so I can say a deeper yes to those projects I am already manifesting
We make love
then I use my arms to
pull my body up and over
a headstand with my hair in your face
you reach your arms out
to protect me from losing
my balance but
i tell you
do not try to catch my fall
as I am not falling
Day 2 of 30 Day Yoga Challenge
I did not want to do yoga tonight. I got home around 7:30 after seeing six clients today, and I was toasted. Usually I get out a bit earlier for dinner and Zumba, but alas, not tonight. The serotonin was pretty low on my brain from not eating much, not moving much, and being inside an office without any windows from 9am-7pm. Note to self: stand outside to breathe at least once a day!
All I wanted was ravioli and ice cream and Grey’s Anatomy (just started on season 1!) to give me the hit of endorphins I was craving, without the work. I did not want to earn it. But I got inspired after my blood sugar went up!
Started yoga on my tv, internet crashed (which allows me to do yoga on my tv) and wouldn’t go back on. Went upstairs to do yoga utilizing the screen of my baby laptop. I was not expecting the well of tears to come pouring out of my face when I followed directions, and let my leg hold up my full body weight. The feeling of the skin of my cheek on my knee just got me. It felt unbelievable to be able to trust myself like that, to be able to hold myself up while letting go all at the same time. I needed that cry to help process my own sorrow, along with all the sorrow I bore witness to today. Then my laptop crashed, which it sometimes does when the wind hits it funny. I continued on with my practice not willing to let anything slow me down. This was a perfect example of how life goes at times. When I practiced a headstand away from the wall, I got scared. I didn’t complete it. When I went closer to the wall, just knowing the wall was there, allowed me to do a full head stand without leaning on the wall once. I wondered where in life I can give myself that reassurance of support, so when I take a risk, it doesn’t feel so scary. I didn’t come up with anything, this is a question I’m just going to pose to my soul and the universe, and trust that it’s answered in time.
I practiced restorative yoga tonight and my eyes welled up because I felt so lost and found in my own being. I have been craving, learning, attempting, being, my own nurturing, gentle, ever stable mother. I have been talking out loud to myself gently “what do you need right now?,” when I feel overwhelmed. Tonight, practicing yoga, was such a delightful oasis, my body let go, let in feeling. This reality of healing does not happen by accident. It happens with me showing up every day at my mat, at my breath, looking my soul in the eye with deep reverence and kindness that I may learn to love all things at all times.
Today starts my 30 days of yoga. May this be the beginning of an everlasting romance.
Say everything by stalking every page they own but make sure you never say hi. Hi is dangerous. Scrolling, waiting, thinking, these things are good. In intergalatic communication scrolling means hello, I care about you and hope you are doing well. So next time I stalk your blog know this just means I care very much and I hope to see you again sometime in this life, and I really like what you ate at Bertucci’s last night and the array of pictures following.
There is a point when giving up makes you stronger and letting go fortifies tomorrow. I have always thought that giving up was admitting weakness, emptiness, flaw. The “I can’t put up with this anymore” meant that I do not love, and if I do not love, then they are right about me.
Always around Christmas there is this deep ache in the center of my soul. To explain where it comes from, the size, shape, how long is the ache, the sound it makes, makes it seem trite and silly, as if I’m making a big deal out of nothing. I do know that it happens every year, and it takes brute force to separate myself from it’s origin, that I have yet to learn how to do it. It is unkind for me to name names, point fingers, but this Christmas I realized exactly what was going on: someone was creating chaos in a space that should be togetherness. It’s the unmet unhealed needs unable to meet or heal.
You can move past your fear
Then my heart will be
but often i’m just waking up
in the middle of the night with
You make it seem like my fault
and I believe you
It’s easier to blame myself than
to hold you accountable because you
wiggle out of any responsibility
"I had no time, I have no time, I can’t"
God help me if I’m able to
completely let go as there is no
more salt to preserve this.
My partner warns me about you
to not need you at all, or depend on you
but you’re so great when it comes to purses
hair products, banking
Wish that presence could bleed into
Letters to my new niece, Eleena Brielle.
Dear newborn, Eleena-
I had the gift of taking care of you an entire night with my partner. Your sweet spirit outshone the Christmas tree. It sustained me. I know that you do not like to sleep alone. So when it was time to let you sleep, you and I moved slowly through dark and space: I knelled very carefully paying homage to this incredible spirit I have been gifted to know. My cheek to yours, I slowly bent over your seat and placed you in it, careful to keep your cheek to mine. We stayed cheek to cheek in that stillness, the only sound was your sighs that sounded like the falling of snow, felt like peace tickling my cheek. I held my cheek to yours for as long as my back could handle the bending. When I finally stood up, I wept. I could see you through my tears, and you still gently asleep in complete peace. The gift of holding you until you fell asleep, of holding your cheek to mine, of you graciously staying asleep even though I was temporarily letting you be, your bravery without your mama, your complete willingness to trust and love with complete abandon, the look of your face sleeping as I lifted my cheek from yours. Even now just remembering that moment, I get goosebumps and such a charge of warmth. You sleep, watch, eat, breathe, with such a great sense of presence and love. I told my mother and fiancee that when you cry I get a very strong sense that it is not us who are taking care of you, but you taking care of us. You’re saying “well yes I’m a baby I have to do this crying thing, but I’m really a healer, I’m healing all this very moment, just you see.” I feel that I have already healed in your presence, in the way you trust this world. Thank you.
Dear newborn, Eleena-
I have to tell you about your belly button. When I first saw it I almost lept out of the room. It was before your belly button was there,and you still had a bit of old umbilical cord as all babies do after they are born. It shook me to see something that reveals how much you need your mama, how much you need to be taken care of and treated gently. You are so fragile even when you are strong. It was shocking for me to see something on you that looked so strange, when you are so beautiful and perfect. Steven, your uncle, said it looked like a Venus Fly Trap. I have never seen such a thing in my life. I immediately started researching about it: how to properly care for it, how to watch for infection. Your mama will tell you that I was obsessed with it, and I was making her a bit crazy too. The morning you woke up when you were in my care, I was changing your diaper. Lo and behold, your little umbilical cord decided to come off completely and there shone your perfect little belly button! I was scared, because I wanted to make sure your little belly was healthy and your mom-mom had to assure me that it was normal. I was quite a nervous aunt! But I have to say that your little belly button is healing and it is beautiful. I’m telling you this so you remember that you were once in your mama’s belly, and how much you need her, and that’s okay. It’s good to need others for sustenance, for love, for joy. One day when you are big you will still need love from others, and you might try to convince yourself otherwise, or pretend you don’t need it. It will be beautiful and ugly at times, this need and hunger you have. Just remember that it is okay to need and love others,and it is okay to be needed and loved.
During my meditation this morning, I searched with curiosity for my past. I knew that if I let my judgmental mind do the searching, I wouldn’t come up with any answers. I let visions, sensations, concepts, bubble up from my hippocampus. I reassured my limbic system that I’m strong enough to feel this, I’m okay. Gently prodding, saying “I’m only curious here, I only am open.” Breathing, and then when I hit my well of pain and shame, I didn’t move. I didn’t wish it away, explain it away, the voice “oh you’re making this shame thing up” was kindly hushed. I sat with this shame, and when no more images would support this shame power, I called upon the power of my heart and felt it with my hand. I held it. “Ah, here is some love so you can keep feeling this.” I felt anger at my memory begin to rise, “But why can’t you give me more images? More answers! Why can’t you remember it all?! What’s wrong with you! You can’t handle the truth!” My brain goes very “A Few Good Men” on me in these moments. I just kept on saying yes to these feelings, “okay, yes, peace.” When I didn’t feel like I had to remember anything I couldn’t, immediately I was full of warmth. Hand over my heart, my mantra became “How do I honor you today, in this very place, memory or no memory, only body memory and some images, imperfections and weaknesses, how do I honor you?” I chanted “honor” over and over and let it sweep up and over me and touch the top of my hand as a grandmother might do to a child. And that is my question today, what I will continue to discover: How do I honor soul today?
BREATHE INTO THE PAIN
Friend, you’ve tried absolutely everything except the obvious:
Doing absolutely nothing at all.
Stay with the thing you call “suffering”. Stay with the grief, the sorrow, the fear, the longing, the boredom. Take away the second-hand words and directly feel the raw, first-hand energy in the body, in the belly, the chest, the throat, as it vibrates, tingles, moves, expresses fully. Let the energy do its sacred, intelligent work. Don’t get in the way. Breathe deeply. Allow the breath to reach these unloved parts, to fill the ‘broken ones’ with oxygen, to dignify these lost and lonely visitors. The fact is, these energies are here only because they have already been allowed into the vastness of You. Dignify pain with the breath of life.
This moment is already shining, it’s already life, it’s already a welcome guest, dancing in your ever-present space. The mind wants to cling or resist, rewind or fast-forward this present scene - to push away the pain or cling to the pleasure. But take the radical step of taking no step at all. Do absolutely nothing right now except turning towards the very energy you have been trying to escape. Meet what is here as an ancient friend, not an enemy; a guide, not a block. See it as intelligent, not a ‘mistake’.
Be what you are, the deep allowing of all of life’s energies - both ‘positive’ and ‘negative’ - the vast unchanging Room for the ever-shifting content of thought and feeling…